 | Blackadder (to Percy): You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. |
| Blackadder: You see, the thing about heaven is that heaven is for people who like the sort of things that go on in heaven. Like, well, singing, talking to God, watering pot plants. |
 | King Richard: Blood! Death! War! Rumpy pumpy! Triumph! |
| The King: If you cross me, now or ever, I shall do unto you what God did unto the Sodomites, understand? |
| Blackadder: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhea. |
| Blackadder: Run away from the hills! If you see hills, run the other way! |
| Blackadder: If we lose, I'll be chopped into pieces. My arm'll end up in Essex, my torso in Norfolk and my genitalia stuck up a tree somewhere in Rutland. |
 | .Percy: Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies. |
| Blackadder: I've just been hearing about your work in Taunton. Imagine that - every single person in the village having an affair with the same duck. |
| King: St Juniper once said; 'By his loins shall ye know him, and by the length of his rod shall he be measured.' |
